hello gentle readers.
much like many things in my life, this blog was something i faithfully kept until, well, you know. stuff, and things, and other stuff, and other things, and then it was a month and then two and then twelve, and then it was essentially dead and buried alongside other projects, ambitions, ideas. which is a shame, because it was a great outlet. where else do you get to write anonymous stream of conscious ramblings that others may or may not be forced to read.
the last little while i’ve been feeling out of sorts. things are happening, and not happening and i haven’t been handling it well. my writing has completely fallen to the wayside, for this reason and that, but the point is my words are stuck. stagnant. i have been completely and totally lazy about it.
today i was facebook peeping a profile, developed an inadvertent crush, and found a link to a blog he had written. i read the one post, and then another, and then another. and through my marginally creepy stalking of his writing i realized that i missed mine. these last few years have been major; i’ve made massive changes and rather than journalling it out i’ve been hiding, pushing back, drinking/sleeping/eating/smoking it away. pretty useless, really.
it’s how i’ve always been. i get overwhelmed and then i run away. my anxiety is in full swing. i don’t want to deal with that shit, with their shit, with your shit, with my shit so fuck you. instead i will smoke a joint (or three) and go to bed, because sleep sure is one sweet escape.
i’ve lost focus. maybe forcing myself to sit down and put my thoughts in some sort of logical sequence will help get my head out of the clouds. i need to find myself again. not in that hippy-dippy new age bullshit crystal healing way, though. Shel Silverstein wrote
underneath my outside face,
there’s a face that none can see
a little less smiley
a little less sure
but a whole lot more like me
i think this is the face i need to find again. wish me luck.
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